Hopelessness

Last night the hopelessness that was coming over me took full hold. I could not get out of my head the thought that the world would be better off with me dead. I'm still not convinced this isn't true, but I'm not feeling so suicidal today.

I have to wonder why this happens to me so frequently. These feelings often arise when I'm transitioning from  mania to depressed states. If this is what's happening now, it is the quickest 'switch' I've experienced to date. Not sure, I'm not quite depressed but I feel completely different than I did just a few days ago. I've been taking my increased lithium regularly, so maybe I'm just feeling relatively 'normal' and don't quite know how to handle it; completely possible since it's been so long (years) since I recall feeling anything near 'normal'.

The way I feel, my emotions, have no effect on the facts that I see staring me (and all of us) in the face. Just because I'm in a certain mood does not change reality (does it?). I'm not going to go into that at this time. I've been posting on facebook and preaching on this blog enough for everyone I'm quite sure.

So, where do I go from here? I'm bored, so completely bored. Does this society truly have no use for me? Am I, at the end of the day, actually excess and idle? Should I just shut up and give up? I hear the fucking football in the background, the TV sound invading my sort of private space in the front room. I watch the occasional football game, but I can't understand why my fellow Americans are so obsessed with it. Why? It's boring, nothing much happens, it's mostly flags/penalties/standing around/posturing. It's much like our society; wasted energy, wasted effort, meaningless crap everywhere. ... There I go preaching again.

I've never felt, well --- human. I never have been able to understand you, your drives, your passions, your interests. I feel like an alien placed here to puzzle you out, to make some sense of you. I'm not sure I can. Maybe I've been placed here to merely "Observe and Report" (loved that film, by the way: "Mom, did you finally give up drinking?" "No, silly, I switched to beer!").

I just want to rest, in a neutral space, for a very long time. I don't want to 'be' for a time. I'm tired of it.

and that's the way it is, for me, December 2nd, 2012.