What to do?

Good Day, Fellow Humans;

I actually open this posting not knowing what I intend to say. I'll start with this; I've been cycling way down lately and am in a kind of agoraphobic limbo. I hate to leave the apartment. I have to force myself to go anywhere. It's the polar opposite of the way I've been feeling and behaving for several months now; hence my diagnoses of 'Bi-polar' I suppose.

All the stuff I've posted on this thing - I don't even recognize it in this state of mind. It's almost as if this is kind of a return to sanity, but one that will still - in the end - drive me insane. Everything I see in our world seems to be pointing in one direction - disease, disaster, decay, death. It's not easy living with no hope. "Oh, you're just depressed Rob, you'll snap out of it." How many times have I heard that? I suppose I will, but how many times can I go through this cycle before I just burn up/stroke out/truly lose it? There are no answers...

I think I'll take Maxine out for a walk and see what else I can come up with.

Okay, so I did that. Feel a bit better, talked to my neighbor Susan for a bit. I think this 'limbo' I'm feeling is mainly due to waiting 2+ years to hear whether or not I'll get SSDI. I had my hearing on May 16th, and was told today by my advocate that the judge has issued his decision, that it is 'being written', and that I should have it within 30 days or so. Yet another 30 day window. It's the waiting that's killing me - if I have to get a job I'll try my darndest --- but it's not easy as a 47 year old HIV positive male with a commanding voice who has a temper and can scare the bejesus out of people when it takes over. And take over it does, trust me. And, most of the 'work' out there is bullshit anyway - I can see through most things and most things that pay more than a pittance aren't worth doing that I see; they are in fact HARMFUL to humanity. I wouldn't mind cashiering in a little shop or something, but I'll still be dependent on public assistance for health care. I don't think a cushy position with full benefits is waiting for me out there, I mean really. Excess and Idle am I! Are you?

I want to add this; I know a 'job' is not any kind of solution for me. I just need a way to sustain myself while I work on my actual work. I do have several ideas of what this 'work' may entail, but I have to get to a place where I can actually 'produce', and where I'm at now is NOT it. I need to be in the west with my love Brian, all things will lead from there. F'ing SS is holding me up and that's what has got me so down and, deep down, PROFOUNDLY PISSED OFF! If you want what's in my mind, usgovt, you'll have to PAY ME FOR IT first!